After all the hustle and bustle that the year 2024 has brought me as a lawyer, it was time to relax properly for a change. Not that relaxation you normally seek in the sauna or spa, but a full month of detox from all the stimuli. Where better to do this than in nature, I thought. So I decided to travel to South America for four weeks and then go on a retreat. Now I hear you thinking:Lheady, Chloé. And that was exactly what I, as a down-to-earth person from Groningen, was really looking forward to!

The plan was: as little screen time as possible, lots of hiking in nature, reading a good book, meditating, taking a breathwork session and, as icing on the cake, participating in a tobacco ceremony, followed by a two-day ayahuasca ceremony somewhere in the jungle. When I list it now, I think: gosh, how intense for someone who has zero experience in the spiritual world and finding inner peace. But that also defines me as a person. I jump into the deep end, I accept every challenge and I enjoy the unknown and trying new things. This sometimes results in a lid on my nose, but also very often in experiences that make my exciting life special.

The moment the plane's wheels hit the runway, a certain kind of excitement coursed through my body that I had not felt before. I knew I was going to do something really cool in the jungle, but at the same time it was also new to me. While waiting for my suitcase, I quickly looked up what a tobacco ceremony was again. I had prepared everything else well in advance, but this was still new to me.

I arrived at my luxurious Airbnb which was fully equipped. The view was breathtaking: a big mountain with nothing but forest. The host had told me that the sunrise was magical, so I was already looking forward to that! I'm a sucker for sunsets. I unpacked my suitcase, jumped into the shower and instead of turning on Netflix on the television, I picked up my newly bought book The Hidden Promise by Lucinda Riley. The adventure of finding inner peace had begun.

I was startled awake by all the animal noises at 6:00 in the morning. Holy shit! I was not used to this. In my life in Amsterdam, I hear the taxis crossing the tram tracks or all kinds of sirens, which irritates me immensely. Now I may have been woken up, but a smile appeared on my face. I was in the wilderness and enjoyed the fact that the sounds of nature had woken me up. The previous evening, I had already put my oatmeal in the fridge, so I started the day with strong coffee and my oatmeal porridge.

Over breakfast, I made a schedule for the next two weeks. In those first weeks I was still allowed to drink alcohol and be very active, but two weeks before the ceremonies I had to go on a strict diet. So I decided to do two hikes each week and have lunch outside. While I was working on my schedule, there was a knock on my door. Who could that be at 9:00 in the morning?

I quickly put on my black velvet kimono and opened the door. A beautiful woman stood in front of me. I estimated her to be around thirty. She had long brown hair and green eyes. She smiled, and beautiful white teeth appeared. I took in her whole figure. She had beautiful buttocks. I had rarely seen them this round. Her waist was so narrow that her curves stood out even better. I felt myself starting to blush.

,,Hello Chloé, did you sleep well? I am Valentina, your guide for the next few weeks. I understand you are staying for four weeks. Do you already have an idea of what you want to do?" I knew I had booked a private guide but that it would be a female and incredibly handsome I had not prepared for. Shit, would she know that I fall for men and women? No, of course not, I told myself. But the fact that I had been blushing enormously could hardly go unnoticed.

Valentina and I walked together on the Salkantay Trek, one of the most beautiful hikes in this area, going over 6,000 metres high. We decided to stop briefly to take in the impressive views of the tropical jungle. It was tropically hot, so you couldn't tell whether your clothes were clammy from sweat or humidity. I had now spent two weeks with Valentina, and she was not only a stunning beauty but also very intelligent. She managed to amaze me every time with her fun facts about the area.

I knew by now that I had come to see her as an object of lust, and my goal for the day was to invite her to my flat so we could spend the evening together. I wanted her. I fantasised about spending the evening in bed over her impressive buttocks and breasts, that I would undress her and gently and gently caress her beautiful forms. At that thought, I was already getting hot. Two weeks before the ceremonies, I was told, you are not allowed to have sex, so then I would not be able to realise my fantasy. It was now or never!

One thing is for sure: this was one of the hottest nights I had spent with a woman. I would have liked to spend a lot more time with Valentina, but rules are rules: I had to go on a "diet"! The ceremonies started already in a fortnight' time preparing for them is no mean feat. I was not allowed any sexual contact or sex with myself. Also no coffee, no dairy, no alcohol of course and also no red meat. Furthermore, I had to stay off my phone, meditate a lot and spend time in nature. This was going to be difficult, I thought, because I love strong Arabica bean coffee in the morning. This was going to be even more of a challenge than no sex. I had also deliberately chosen to leave my sex toys neatly at home this trip.

My feelings went up and down. At first, I felt an awful lot of tension and had so many doubts about whether I should do this that a few times I was almost on the verge of cancelling everything. Then I wanted so badly to pour a good glass of red wine, but somewhere I knew I was going to regret it, so I didn't. I persevered. I kept to my diet and went for walks in nature every day, without AirPods! I meditated overlooking the mountains and decided to have a private breathwork session with a Dutch woman who lived here and was very highly regarded.

During this session, all kinds of emotions were released. I started crying with happiness. I saw myself as a child shaking hands with the woman I am now, and the words she whispered to me were that she was incredibly proud of me. How special to be able to feel this, and that only through breath work! I was astounded by the effect it had on me and I knew this would only intensify as the ceremonies began.

It was 6am on Friday morning and I was woken up again by the sounds of animals, the wind blowing through the trees and I saw the sun illuminating my room. I had become so used to this natural alarm clock that I knew I would miss it tremendously when I had to go back to Amsterdam. So I decided to absorb the feeling it gave me and enjoy it even more than I already did. This was the last morning in my luxurious AirBnB and this afternoon I would check in to the ceremonies and sleep in the jungle. All my belongings were ready to leave. I said goodbye to the venue and thanked it for the wonderful time it had given me. I did not know if I would ever return here but what I did know for sure is that I would never forget that evening with Valentina here.

While checking in, I saw for the first time the other participants and the location where we were going to sleep together. The group consisted of ten people. Here we were going to sleep together for two nights, how special! I saw no shower and toilet. Well that just became a 'deo shower' every morning and digging a hole in the ground when I had to pee. Once a peasant girl, always a peasant girl. I introduced myself to the Shaman, the facilitators and the participants. There were fortunately two Dutch people among them, with a lot of experience, so I decided to stay close to them. I was nervous and at the same time very excited that I was really going to do this. After everyone had settled down and introduced themselves to each other, dusk started to fall and the programme could begin. What I noticed is that everyone was very relaxed and there was a casual atmosphere where everyone was nice to each other. That felt nice say. People who all came with the same goal as you and dared to be vulnerable. This immediately created a bond of trust and the group felt like friends I hadn't seen for a long time.

We started the ceremony with a Kirtan Circle. We made a campfire and sat around it in a circle on cushions and had brought all kinds of thick blankets. The Shaman started making music with his companions, on all kinds of different instruments. It was really beautiful what I heard. The voices of these people when they started singing touched me. It was so pure that it came straight to you. I got a lump in my throat when the group suddenly started singing along. So this was a Kirtan Circle. You knew neither the songs nor the lyrics and yet everyone was singing along! How extraordinary. The feeling arose that we formed a kind of tribe with each other.

After about an hour, we started the Tabacco ceremony. I had looked up what this entailed and I knew this was not necessarily going to be very nice. This is because the purpose of this is to prepare your body for the Ayahuasca which means that you are completely detoxified. Once I had consumed the drink and had to start drinking litres of lukewarm water from the guidance, it only took five minutes until I started 'purging' (aka: vomiting). I detoxed myself of all negative energies and my body was completely empty and clean after an hour-long detox. I fell into a deep sleep on my mat under the brightest starry sky I had ever seen and started dreaming. The dreams were so real and so intense that I really thought this had really happened when I woke up. But soon I realised where I was again and enjoyed the fact that I was the first to wake up and everyone else was still in a deep sleep. How disturbed I was actually, I thought. I was just lying in the middle of the jungle with a group of people. Fortunately, it wasn't cold and I didn't feel at all like I was missing out on everyday luxuries like a toilet or shower.

I was living so much in the moment and focused on that one goal, the Ayahuasca ceremony, that I wasn't thinking about anything else. Because our group was all going through the same thing, what was happening didn't feel crazy at all. I decided to give myself a deo shower and drink some water and go for a small walk around the jungle until everyone woke up. I hadn't eaten anything for twenty-four hours now and still I didn't feel hungry. The feeling of healthy excitement prevailed. I knew that this Ayahuasca trip that awaited me was going to be intense and I was preparing for this not only physically but also mentally. How proud I was of myself even now that I had dared to do this.

After we all took our first Ayahuasca drink, the Shaman started a ritual that we had to say and do after. He started speaking towards the north, east, south and west and we all joined him. When we got to the south, I was already sinking through my legs like many other people. The trip had begun! I decided to finish the ritual on my mattress and close my eyes so the medicine could start doing its job. I saw all the colours and shapes and it seemed like the world was changing. This was fun!

I kept repeating in my head the intentions I had set for myself and I hoped that Mother Ayahuasca would pick them up and start giving me answers. At this point I had completely lost track of time and I remember seeing an Egyptian woman's head with incredibly beautiful large closed eyes. Could this be mother Ayahuasca then? The feeling this woman gave me was incredibly loving and tender. One of my intentions was to become more open to receiving and giving love. After a while it became very clear to me that I should no longer ask questions but just enjoy what the medicine gave me and that was a lot of love.

Exactly what I had asked for happened and while at first I resisted the feeling, I learned to receive it and when I received this insight and let it wash over me, I felt more loved than ever! I decided with the group to have another drink and for the second round we started playing music. The 'celebration' bit had begun. So even though I also saw other people crying, screaming and moaning, I felt very loved and happy. I drank my second Ayahuasca drink and after some time passed, something very special happened. My body started moving of its own accord to the sounds of the music being made with guitars, tambourines, samba balls and the beautiful voices of these people. I stood up and my body moved before my head knew at all what sound was coming. The Shaman saw it happening and decided to walk towards me and play the music from behind me even louder and my movements became even bigger and more beautiful. I looked like an Egyptian dancer. It seemed like my subconscious had taken over and my thoughts were off. I shed a tear because this was a bliss I had never felt before. The group watched the scene and some people also started moving. Afterwards, I was told that the Ayahuasca had activated my Kundalini. Well nice, that too, I thought.

The end of the ceremony was approaching and I noticed that the drug was starting to weaken. Everyone recovered a bit and the performance of music slowly ended. For a while I was still completely unsure how I felt and what insights this had given me but I did know that I had enjoyed it immensely and intensely. The Shaman made a campfire and we decided to write down our old habits and patterns and ritually burn them in the fire. We did this together with an offering we made to the fire of something we had found in nature. I had picked a few twigs and herbs and ritually burnt them along with three old habits. In my mind, I planted new seeds for 2025 with positive intentions. One of those new intentions was that I wanted to be a bit kinder to myself in various ways. I repeated the intention and the Shaman cleansed me with the smoke from the fire in which I had burned the old intentions. I closed my eyes and felt very light and peaceful. The rest of the group did the same and it was now 8pm in the evening. I had been in an Ayahuasca trip from 11:00 in the morning until 20:00 in the evening. Jeez mina! We ended the ceremony by sharing all sorts of delicious dishes that everyone had prepared at home and chatted a bit. It was time to say goodbye to these people, I was never going to see them again. The bond we had created with each other was intense and strong and saying goodbye fell quite hard on me.

As I sat in the car, on the way to the five-star hotel where I had booked the Junior Suite, I called my mother and best friend to tell them I was alive and that I was fine. They were worried but also proud of me. I checked in at the hotel and the room was even more beautiful than in the pictures and I suddenly realised again how nice it is to be able to shower. The Shaman had prepared us that our Chakras would remain completely open for the next period so everything could feel very intense. It was the most wonderful shower I had ever had in my life. I was still floating so much that I decided to order room service and I spent the rest of my evening staring at the ceiling where I let everything I had experienced sink in. I fell into a deep sleep and the next morning I ran to the coffee machine. I made a strong cup of coffee, how I had missed it, I thought. I took a sip and immediately spit it out again. The taste was nothing like I was used to. It occurred to me that this was just the beginning of the changes I would go through in the coming period. Now the journey had really begun. Since that day, I never drank coffee again.